My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
They got Raph!
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.