My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
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If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
my name if I was in the mob
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!