Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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respect
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.