Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.