When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Who’s your best friend?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.