Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife