Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.