If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Y’all know who you are.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.