“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I’d hang this in my house.