COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
You Might Also Like
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
umm…
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.