Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever