me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.