me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are