*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
there’s probably a fee though
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.