My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
You Might Also Like
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
It do be feeling this way.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Free him
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.