Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.