shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum