*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?