yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
technically true but not a great slogan
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”