*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
some Old Testament wisdom
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Where is your GOD now????
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?