me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*