My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.