(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
A ghost story
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys