Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
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“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My five year plan is a meteorite
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Lmfaoooooo
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
the simulation is moving too fast