Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Lmao
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?