Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
for all #parents out there
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions