Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
You Might Also Like
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off