I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
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I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Best seat on the street 😍
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph