Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Shortcut
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?