I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
this is the news I live for
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Why is no one talking about this?!
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”