I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
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I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
#JohnTravolta
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.