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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.