I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
they split up moments later
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha