i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.