being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.