The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
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Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL