me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)