One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*Inspirational Tweets*
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Would you wear it?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..