I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
#Caturday
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good