approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others