My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
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May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo