My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
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Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.