i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
no
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?