As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
yeah no that’s fair
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I hope this email punches you square in the face