[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
There are no pants in heaven.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.