Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Beware of fowl play.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.