I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
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I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
drew a comic about my origin story
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me