At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?