Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?