I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Strange
Traveler’s camo
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet